Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
