dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Randomize
