The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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