I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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