He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
