I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
