Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
