if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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