I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
