Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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