Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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