Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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