I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
