Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
