Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
