mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
