1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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