Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
