i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
