Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
