bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
sex in a hospital.. check
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
