i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
