Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
