just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
wanna go halves on a baby?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
