roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
