would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
