Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize