I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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