I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
