did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
