God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
My life is pants optional.
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