I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
