My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
