so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
