but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
