life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
