So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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