I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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