Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
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