I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.