i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.