ADVERTISEMENT

• (407): View more from Florida

  so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all

  Fav 14 913 2632

  share tweet
  

• (802): View more from Vermont

  i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.

  Fav 13 4807 1621

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (708): View more from Illinois

  I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome

  Fav 11 1963 4398

  share tweet
  

• (732): View more from New Jersey

  You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.

  Fav 7 3826 2028

  share tweet
  
• 

  Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags

  Read it at the TFLN blog
  

• (715): View more from Wisconsin

  That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.

  Fav 8 2068 1234

  share tweet
  

• (904): View more from Florida

  HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

  Fav 9 2834 1259

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.

  Fav 7 1310 2008

  share tweet
  

• (347): View more from New York

  I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead

  Fav 7 1647 890

  share tweet
  

• (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.

  Fav 5 920 575

  share tweet
  
• 

  21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers

  Read it at the TFLN blog
  

• (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.

  Fav 0 458 565

  share tweet
  

• (501): View more from Arkansas

  Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.

  Fav 1 501 835

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (559): View more from California

  You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event

  Fav 1 731 467

  share tweet
  

• (731): View more from Tennessee

  She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.

  Fav 0 596 379

  share tweet
  

• (423): View more from Tennessee

  We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.

  Fav 1 528 379

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (951): View more from California

  I just said "you do you" to my penis.

  Fav 1 54 19

  share tweet
  

Randomize