Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
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The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!