I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus