Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
