Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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