i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
