Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
