Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
