What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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