Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
