I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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