my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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