fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
3pm strippers are depressing
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
A bitchslap is in order.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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