apparently the secret to your success is patron
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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