Welp...herpes.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
