You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Randomize
