just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
