i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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