Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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