so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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