if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
