then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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