You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
