I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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