And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
