Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
