Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
