this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
