so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
should my penis look like a turkey
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
