I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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